Relationship stages

This letter was sent to Gigi regarding a critical point in a fairly new relationship.  There are multiple stages that romantic relationships go through as they progress to the final stage of commitment.  Many experts agree that there are 5 major relationship stages some other relationship counselors break these down for ease of understanding.  These stages are also called different names but the basic characteristics are the same. We will focus on the broader five.  They are:

• Infatuation (also called the Honeymoon stage)
• Disillusionment
• Power Struggle
• Stability
• Commitment

It appears that our reader, Critical Point, is in the Disillusionment Stage of her relationship.  Where we start noticing things about our partner that we were blind to in the Infatuation Stage.

Critical Point's question for Gigi

I'm in my late 40s and have finally found a man who I'm attracted to in many ways.  I truly want this relationship to work.  However we are at that critical point of growth where we must accept certain oddities about one another that really irritate us.  He tends to yell and argue over simple things, is very sloppy and disorganized, lives with his ailing mother, needs to spend a lot of time with friends, etc.  In past relationships I'd call them "Deal Breakers" and would walk away.  After dating for ten months I find that walking away would be the lazy way to resolve our differences.  There are so many great things that work.  But it is sometimes exhausting molding into a couple especially when you are set in your ways. Do you have any advice on how to stay patient when learning to be with someone new?

Here's Gigi's response to Critical Point.

Hi Critical Point, I’m a HUGE proponent of trying to save relationships if there’s no abuse involved.  Many times it just requires learning a method (for both of you) of communicating your needs in a non-threatening manner.  You say there are ‘oddities’ I understand that to mean ‘annoyances’.  These can usually be overlooked and/or communicated to your partner in a non-threatening manner. When communicating with your partner, you should stay away from ‘You’ statements.  Instead use ‘It makes me feel’ statements or use a complementary statement.  Since I don’t have any specifics as to what the behavior is, I’ll use a general complaint and how it may be communicated in a non-threatening manner.  For instance: Problem statement – Your partner promised to check the oil in your car and hasn’t gotten around to it.  You’re starting to get really annoyed and feel the need to say something. Instead of asking “When are ‘you’ going to get around to checking the oil in my car?” You could instead compliment him on something he did follow through with such as, “You’re so good at diagnosing car issues and maintenance.  I feel fortunate to have you in my life.” Can you feel the difference in the way these two messages might be received? The first one is pointing out a ‘failure’ on his part.  It may have just slipped his mind but now that you’ve pointed out this failure, he’s only hurt and may not be motivated to check your oil and maybe not even continue in the relationship. The second approach is very complimentary and he’ll be motivated to do more for you in hopes of getting more of these.  Wouldn’t you? Relationships are wonderful things and too many of us throw out the proverbial ‘baby with the bathwater’.  If you’ve been with him for 10 months, there must be something about him you love.  Why lose the good because of some minor annoyances?  It takes some work but I believe it is worth it in the end. All the best to you in life and love, Gigi (Iliaiwi)